Things go BANG in the night.....

Never, EVER take electricity for granted.

I did. Until last night. Until I didn’t have any......

Picture the scene, if you will: Elb, snug in her warm study late at night, is rattling away on her keyboard, chatting to mates on GB.net, when suddenly - BANG!
Stunned for a moment, it takes me a while to realise that the lights are still on, but the computer and TV are not. Dead as the proverbial Dodo in fact. I have sufficient brain cells to work out that the ring main has thrown a wobbly, but it’s far too dark to investigate the cause - the fuse box is outside in the (unlit) porch.....

I spend ages patrolling the area, sniffing for signs of possible conflagration, but find none, and reluctantly retire for the night, fretting about the effect this may have had on my poor computer.

My paranoia overwhelms me, and I envisage the house burning down in the middle of the night, so I prepare for such an eventuality; I put my essential medication in my bag beside the bed, lay shoes and jacket ready to leap into at a moment’s notice, and crawl beneath the duvet fully clothed..........

Two minutes later, I am up again to recheck the porch for the fire that I just KNOW is about to take hold, but my fears are once more unfounded. I check that the keys are in the window locks to facilitate my flight, should I need to escape through my bedroom window, have another pee and retire to my bed once again, resolving to buy a new battery for my smoke alarm if I survive this fateful night.

My cat is skittish, and I convince myself that it is because she can sense an impending remake of “Towering Inferno”, but after yet another tour of the house, I climb back into bed. And so it continues throughout the night.......

Bleary-eyed from my constant fire patrol, I get up later than usual, as it is evident that I must find an electrician rather than go to work. I ring in with my excuses, and go to check that it’s not simply a blown fuse which I could replace myself. I wish I hadn’t looked..... Two of the fuses are blackened and scorched, the plastic covers crumbling. I was lucky. All of a twitter, I ring the emergency number for my electricity supplier, and two young men arrive a couple of hours later to rescue me from mortal peril......or so I thought. One of them dismantles the offending consumer board (I’m beginning to learn the terminology...) and tuts over it, shaking his head. I deduce that means things are terminal, but when asked “Can you fix it?” he replies that he COULD, but then he’d be in breach of his contract as the problem is on “my side” of the electricity supply. Despite there only being an inch between “sides”.

Oh, deep joy.

Sparks 1 & 2 depart, leaving me with NO power at all, after disconnecting the (still working) light circuit. I worry about the food in my fridge and freezer, and resolve not to open the door to get anything to eat, as I understand it is best to leave these things shut as long as possible.... My growling belly fails to understand this however, and puts up a loud protest. Due to my laziness, procrastination and/or stinginess, I do not have any food in the house that doesn’t require cooking....I set out to use up as many free minutes on my mobile phone as possible, and swiftly discover that procuring the services of an electrician is like trying to find rocking horse poo. Everyone I call says they will “get back to me”. This becomes a familiar mantra, as it seems that these Gods of Power are in short supply, and no-one can spare a Spark Jockey today. What am I to do?

My nerves are already in shreds, exacerbated by the fact that I haven’t had my caffeine fix yet, I’m still worried that my computer may have fried when things went kaput last night, and I’m ravenous enough to eye up the cat as it makes a nuisance of itself while I’m trying to use the phone. I can’t leave the house, as someone “might” turn up, and the battery on my phone is depleting rapidly, with no prospect of recharging it....

Just as I am at the point of brain overload, the phone rings, and a lovely lady tells me that she has someone available if I still want them. DO I STILL WANT THEM???? Do bears s**t in the woods?? Is the Pope Catholic???? I rein in my roar that of course I effing do, and politely grind out “Yes please!” whereupon she despatches said Sparks to my door.

An hour later, this child (for he looks like he is only just out of short trousers) has replaced my dangerous electrics, the power is back on, freezer is humming happily, Mac Mini is NOT frazzled (oh, the relief!) and all is well in World of Elbmow once again......

Or so I thought. We discover that the (gas) boiler will not fire up, and although the plug and socket test out fine, the Child-Sparks is baffled. He shrugs, collects his tools and hands me the buck to pass onto the next engineer I call...... I give up on the idea of showing my face at work, and leave a message with my friendly heating engineer to give me a call..................... some day.

Thank heaven for small mercies though. I am back online......